Stringer's Bell

I would love to have some relevant, witty topic today, but I can't. I'm incapable of independent thought today, so I'm blogging the Globes. And no, I dont mean I'm watching porn and telling you all about it. I've been drinking an entire bottle of wine. And I'm in a snarky mood. You've been warned. You are excused from today's post if you do not care. (Which probably means I just lost Egan, Anonymous Coworker and Monkey. IF any of them even read my blog anymore ;) 6:11 - Watching the pre-show on E! (Why do they put the exclamation point there?) They're gushing over Anne Hathaway. ("They" being Issac Mizrahi. Who I adore, and who needs to be my friend immediately.) She looks like death with a big mouth. Who told her that french braids were cute past the age of 9? And the red lipstick makes her mouth look bigger. Please, Anne, if you're going to use that mouth, eat Teri Hatcher. And I love the leader dude on Lost (the one from Party of 5). He has been married for 8 billion years to a hot woman with an accent. 6:13 - "Last Holiday" will not be on the list for the Globes next year. 6:18 - Apparently, George Clooney and Teri Hatcher went out to dinner. Who cares? I do. George, you have gone blind. Although, she could come in handy during dinner. If the waiter does not provide proper utensils, you could use her scapulas to slice your meat. 6:19 - Scarlett Johannsen (or however you spell her name) had some hideous hair. Not sure when that picture was taken, but honey? Stay away from light sockets. Jaime Pressley is hawt. She looks totally gorgeous. Naveen Andrews is dating his grandmother. Which is super nice for him, but he's so smoking hot, he could get Lindsay Lohan if she wasn't dating Lennon's son. Allegedly. Not that I pay attention to gossip... 6:24 - I hate Teri Hatcher's dress. I think she looks like an idiot. Too many GODDAMN sparkles. GO BACK TO SUPERMAN WOMAN!! And I think I need a colonic cleanse after hearing she's going commando. AND YOUR HAIR IS BORING. 6:26 - There is some cute blonde wandering around with a pretty red dress that remind me of my Homecoming dress in 19...I'm not telling you. She looks cute. 6:27 - I LOVE JAIME PRESSLEY. Even though she's a ho, she loks so well put-together, and with a lovely hairdo, very sleek and cute. And dear god, they're showing her and Teri at the same time, and Teri turned around, and I think she poked her handler's eye out. 6:27 1/2 - OMIGOD STEVE CARRELL!!!! I LOVE YOU!! I'm done now. 6:28 - Ryan PeeCrest just cut off Jaime. He's now on the list. I think I just saw Randy Quaid. How is he even relevant anymore?? The evil satan chick (Mr. McDreamys wife) from Grey's Anatomy was just shown. That shade of red on her head is not found in nature. In fact, she looks like Anne Hathaway's mom. Very goth. 6:31 - WHO CARES ABOUT NICOLETTE SHERIDAN??? Oh good, Eva Long-Whoria. I love her hair though. SHE'S GOING TO TAKE THE NUN OUT??? JESUS!! I can't believe I have practice on Sunday nights. I have to get TeeVooo. 6:32 - Some lady just attacked someone with a giant bunch of teeny white boas. I'm afraid for his safety. ISSAC!! Stop asking about Eva's cooch hair! Nobody wants to hear that!! 6:36 - Ludacris? What the hell is he doing there? Ooh. Debra Messing looks hot. HOT! Stop talking about spray tanning people. They need to outlaw that shit. Um, what's Don Johnson doing on the carpet? And DEAR GOD, someone needs to get ahold of Tim Robbins. His hair looks awful. 6:42 - Natalie Portman is pretty, and at least she's not wearing a sack this year. However, she needs some extensions. I love the "My Name is Earl" guys. That one dude lost SO MUCH WEIGHT!! He was in "Butterfly Effect"...and now I'm rambling. Jason's girlfriend is cute. 6:44 - Kyra Sedgewick is always beautiful. And she doesn't disappoint today. WHERE DID NATALIE PORTMAN'S BOOBS COME FROM??? 6:47 - George, I love you. And you're so nice and you're hot and I love you. Please tell me it's not true that you're with Skeletor. I will mourn. IS THAT COLUMBO??? JESUS!!! Um, what is the Crossing Jordan woman we....oh my god. LOOK AT JENNY McCARTHY!! And Marcia Cross! I'm going blind with these hawt people everywhere. 6:54 - Did Sarah Jessica Parker just grab her own boobs? Jesus. 6:51 - Had to order a pizza. I come back, and Reese Witherspoon's hair is beautiful (as is her arm candy) but her dress is kind of weird and OMIGOD WHAT THE HELL IS MELANIE GRIFFITH DOING??? They look like weird bridesmaids. Good parents dont match their clothes to their children. Dear jesus, someone call CPS. 7:02 - ADRIAN!!! I love him. Yes, I've seen "The Jacket". What is Paul Giamatti doing with the facial hair? Wow. 7:04 - Candice Bergen does look very very lovely for her age. And omigod, Alanis Morisette looks like a FREAK. The blond hair is a COP OUT and she needs to GO BACK AND BE ANGRY SOME MORE. I related to your music in high school. Now I just hate you because you stole Ryan Reynolds from me. Please stop looking like Farrah Fawcett. Debi Mazar looks gorgeous and very 40's vintage pin-up, as usual. 7:06 - Keira Knightley's accent makes my little heart sing. However. Her dress is weird. Looks like she has a giant macrame booger on her pelvis. And my mother would bug her to stand up straight. She is very lovely, though. 7:09 - KIEFER KIEFER KIEFER!! I LOVE YOU TOO!! Stop showing Michael Bolton. Nobody cares anymore. Dude, Felicity Huffman is fierce. She is so beautiful. Even though it's sunny on the TV and dark here, I seem to have forgotten that this is delayed. Thus, when I got a pop-up through my MSN Messenger that Steve Carrell won something, I was, needless to say, a little sad. 7:11 - God, Marcia Cross is beautiful. If my hair was a tinge redder, I would still look nothing like her, but a girl could dream. Ryan PeeCrest needs to stop talking. And Marcia gives hope to pale girls everywhere, that we don't need the spray tan. 7:16 - What the hell is Charlize Theron wearing? Jesus! She is so incredibly beautiful, and............................................I'm sorry I got distracted by Jessica Alba. She does not disappoint. Holy smokes. With a train, and the gather, and the simple earrings, and I'm drooling on myself. And I'm straight. 7:18 - OMIGOD I JUST WENT BLIND. Jessica Alba and Marcia Cross standing next to each other, I think that's a harbinger of the apocalypse...too much gorgeousness in one place. At least they're not kissing. Then I would be in pain. And I'm still straight. And there is Pamela Anderson-Lee-Not-Lee, and what the hell is she wearing?? 7:21 - I have completely given up on Gwyneth Paltrow. She does not wear things that fit, or that are flattering. Gwyneth, I wash my hands of you. 7:24 - SJP needs to stop. She looks dumb. Mandy Moore...is wearing a giant string of Mardi Gras beads. Jesus, people. And Faith Hill looks so incredibly beautful. I just want to stare all day long at her husband.... 7:29 - Are you serious? Yeah, Michelle Williams just had a baby, but COME ON. She looks like she's jumping out of a giant purple birthday cake. And did anyone remind Heath Ledger that this is not the prom, and he doesn't need to match his boutonniere to his date's dress? 7:31 - Johnny Depp looks like...omigod. What the hell happened to Penelope Cruz's hair? It looks like a bad wig. SEAL!!! I LOVE SEAL! 7:33 - Issac needs to stop asking Queen Latifah about her underwear. He needs to stop asking EVERYONE about their damned underwear. And Reese Witherspoon looks like an idiot. Her dress looks like one I wore in a church recital in 1985. The day I was born. (Kidding) 7:35 - Nancy O'Dell from Access Hollywood! You are so tan and yet I love you more than popcorn!! And Renee Zellweger, please. TRY. TRY TO LOOK LIKE YOU CARE. 7:36 - Geena Davis and Scarlett Johansen are wearing the same colour, yet they are so...I lost track of my thought because Evangeline Lilly is so stunningly beautiful I want to cry. God. 7:40 - I don't even want to talk about Charlize. Yeah, its John Galliano (whose shoes I would kiss if he would just love me...), but she looks like a ballerina on mescaline. Or speedballs. An funny, how I keep talking about her after I said I didn't want to. But her hair looks dumb. And apparently, her gaudy ugly bracelet came from a museum. I love her shoes. Please, honey, try harder next time. I will hold my breath until then. 7:44 - I just went blind. And not in a good way - Mariah Carey just came on. I...I can't say anything because all that would come out would be sobbing and crying and tearing of garments. I think she's actually the anti-Christ and her breasts harbour nuclear weapons strong enough to destroy the entire planet. 7:49 - I want to know why Johnny Depp doesn't care anymore. And why his wife doesn't get the space between her teeth fixed. He can afford it! 7:50 - Go back to Chad, Hilary Swank. He supported you when you were nothing. And stop showing Mariah. Please. She looks like an Oompa Loompa...in the face at least. The gold makeup she's alluding to is awful. AWFUL. 7:52 - Um, did Rosario Dawson become an old woman? She's wearing a muumuu. And I apparently missed Isaac full-on molesting Scarlett Johansen. And its done.